I'm not Perfect. (And Day 1 of Project 361)

(Project 365: posting a picture a day for the entire year, except that I'm starting late so it's technically Project 361. Sigh. Many are doing it and you should too! Comment on this post with your link so I can follow your photo journey as well!)

Well it's a new year! In some ways, this year has been wonderful, and in other ways, it has been difficult.

Looking back at the year, there have been many answered prayers, and some yet to be answered. Some things have gone as planned and others have gone anything but what I'd planned.

Nevertheless, the Lord has been good and shown his faithfulness in spite of it all. This life is a journey and if I've learned anything this last year...it's that I do not have control. As much as I fight to attain it, I have very little power over the circumstances of my life. I cannot control the economy. I cannot control my independent-minded 1-year-old, who has a plan of his own. I cannot control my husband, nor my friends, nor my job to a certain extent. I can't control whether or not a client will like my product, or I'll get 8 hours of sleep that night. Of course there are things I DO have control in, but in most areas...I have very little control in a lot of things.

This may surprise you, but I'm not perfect. (Sarcasm inserted here.) My whole life I've fought to find control in being "perfect". Even the last year, I struggled with the thought, that if I just did everything perfectly, things would go well and I would be in control. If I was the perfect wife, if I kept the house perfectly clean, if I had perfect photo shoots, if I was the perfect mom, if I was the perfect size...(you get the picture), that things would go my way and I'd live happily ever after. My mind would love it if life was math and A + B always =C. Sometimes A + B = C, but most of the time life throws you a curve-ball and that kind of irritates me.

So last year I wasn't perfect, I wasn't in control, and this year will be the same. And you know what? I'm beginning to be okay with that. This year has left me completely humble and in a position where my faith is no longer in myself but in something greater. I'm no longer the god of MY universe...and it's a good thing too, cause I really mess things up on my rampage for perfection. There is something comforting in acceptance. I'm a lot less anxious and more pleasant to be around when I discovered it's out of my control. Now I don't have to carry these crazy burdens on my back and try to find the right "equation" to make it better. It's instead, drawn me closer to my Maker. I find when I'm at the end of myself, God meets me there and carries me the rest of the way.

I don't always know what he is doing...in fact, a lot of times I fight him on it, (cause apparently I know so much more than Him.) But there is something comforting in the fact that the God of the Universe is in control of my life and is weaving it perfectly into His plan. And not just weaving my beautiful moments when all is "perfect", but weaving all the crap and horrible moments you'd just rather erase. (In fact, so far in my life those "unequal equations" make for some of the most beautiful outcomes in the end!) Just knowing that he cares about my struggles and all He wants to do is meet me there and love me through it all, blows me away. I stop fighting and thinking and instead let it go and give it to Him. Seriously...I have no control over it anyway, so why am I wasting so much time on it?

So this year...being perfect and in control is completely overrated and is so last year. =)